Hey, Dallas. You Suck!!!
As the Dallas Cowboys oozed into oblivion shortly after 6 on Sunday night, it’s hard to remember a more joyous visit to that Texas cesspool for the Eagles and their proud fans.
Shot after shot on the CBS broadcast showed dour hillbillies dealing with the reality that Dallas does indeed suck this year. Our chants have never been more timely or accurate.
At one point in the 34-6 rout, the TV camera panned what appeared to be the owner’s box, where the Cowboy brain trust was trying to absorb yet another home debacle — Dallas hasn’t won in their billion-dollar palace in almost a calendar year — and there was one familiar face missing.
Where was the architect of this mess, Jerry Jones?
In fact, I don ’t recall seeing his oft-lifted face the entire game. The most accessible owner in sports history has vanished. Is there a federal witness-protection program for humiliated billionaires?
The game was so boring, CBS broadcasters Jim Nantz and ex-Cowboy playoff choker Tony Romo openly lamented how one-sided the game was — a contest both broadcasters said beforehand would determine the Cowboys’ fate for the 2024 season.
They are 3-6 now.
Ding Dong, the witch is dead.
With so much time on our hands during the 20 or so minutes of clock time left and the game well in hand, it gave us all a prolonged opportunity to ponder the fate of the team we love the most, and the team we despise like no other..
Here’s what I decided: Long live Jerry Jones. The longer he lives, the longer the Cowboys will suck. He is the architect of a roster that could deal with none of the injuries it has experienced so far this season.
Cooper Rush at quarterback? Seriously?
My second thought was, Hail Howie Roseman. This is his most talented roster yet, a group of players worthy of elite status. The only flaw is a big one, of course. Nick Sirianni. But the Cowboys are so bad this season, even our clueless coach got a breather on Sunday.
The Dallas disaster had to be one of Roseman’s best days in 20-plus years in the NFL. Even the announcers took out a moment to praise his first two picks from the most recent draft, DBs Quinyon Mitchell and Cooper DeJean. Nantz and Romo were barely scratching the surface.
Jalen Hurts, despite the two turnovers, is the right quarterback to oversee the efforts of the best collection of offensive weapons in the league. What other team can match Saquon Barkley, A.J. Brown, DeVonta Smith, Dallas Goedert and Hurts for offensive firepower?
Barkley has been such a difference-maker, most fans have purged the memory of last season’s collapse. At a time when running backs are receiving less acclaim and less money, Roseman was smart enough to focus his off-season — and to lessen the stench of 2023 — by adding the most talented RB in the NFL.
Brown and Smith are perfect complements. Even when they aren’t making big plays, their explosiveness is opening up the field for others to excel. Heck, even Johan Dotson has been emerging as a worthy No. 3 wideout lately.
Goedert is the unsung hero of the group. You don’t realize what the veteran tight end adds until he’s gone. His return on Sunday made it impossible for the Cowboys to account for all of the others weapons. Even with Micah Parsons causing trouble again, his return for Dallas became irrelevant in the second half.
Throughout this odd season, the biggest surprise for me has been the Eagles defense. Yes, Roseman buttoned up a porous pass defense with the additions of Mitchell and especially DeJean, but what about those linebackers? Zack Baun and Nakobe Dean are playing brilliantly. Even Howie’s blind spot appears to be gone now. He has good linebackers. Imagine that.
Because I will always be a cynic, a little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me the Birds have beaten one lousy team after another during this five-game winning streak. Eventually, the inept head coach will get exposed. Eventually, some of the same problems that obliterated last season will reappear. Eventually, the Eagles will have to play a formidable opponent.
The first big test will come on Thursday night against the Commanders (7-3), who trail the Birds (7-2) by half a game in the NFC East standings. I scouted them briefly during their gut-wrenching 28-27 loss to Pittsburgh, and they are no match for the Eagles’ arsenal of weapons, either.
Rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels is extremely talented, but painfully young. Other than the brilliant WR Terry McLaurin, their offense is meh. Their defense is new and prone to mistakes. They are not there yet.
If the Eagles beat them at the Linc, it will be time for fans to start dreaming again.
I predict a big win on Thursday night for the Eagles.
Of course, my predictions have not exactly been spot-on so far this year.
Has anyone ever predicted a five-win season for a team that made it to the Super Bowl?
Stay tuned. I may be dining on crow again in a few months.